So as pregnant and exhausted as I am (counting down till the first trimester is over!) I still can't sleep sometimes.  I never used to mind if Daliya came and climbed into our bed at 5am - in fact, I was happy as long as she went back to sleep for a couple hours.  I loved waking up together!  Unfortunately, when she comes into our room these days it wakes me up and I can't fall back asleep so easily, if at all.

This morning I was tossing and turning, sleepy and a little bit queasy, and just generally frustrated at being awake at 5am for no good reason.  Daliya asked me, "You feel sick?"  I said no, I'm ok.  She ignored my answer, snuggled into me, and laid there rubbing my back.

It was the sweetest thing ever!  I guess when you show a little person a whole lot of love, they can't help but give it back to you when you need it most.

I'm not gonna lie, being pregnant is hard.  Being a parent is hard.  But moments like these are just a tiny taste of how awesome it is to be a family. :)

Sometimes, as moms, we go around thinking people are judging us for how we do things.  I guess sometimes they are - even though I'd love to be able to say that it just isn't the case. 

Here's the thing though, that mom you think is watching you and picking apart how you parent... she is a little too busy with life and her own kids to focus on how you are doing things.  Although, I bet she somehow has time to contemplate the possibility that you are judging her from the sidelines as well.

A friend of mine recently made me consider that when we talk about someone else "thinking" something negative about us, chances are that whatever we think they are thinking isn't what they are thinking at all, but rather it is what we ourselves are self-conscious about in the situation.

Moral of the story, relax and be kind to yourself.  Assume she doesn't have anything negative to say about you.  And get out of your own head and don't say anything negative about you either!  My guess is you're a great mom and you are doing the best you can and making choices that work for your family.  They don't have to work for anyone else's family - just yours.

So, as a mom, you never know what kind of day you'll have.  Today was one of those days that started out bad to the point of being hilarious actually, then turned into an incredible day that reminded me why I have faith in God and why I believe things happen for a reason.  I feel like everything is just falling into place in my life.   I am so grateful.

How today started out...

I decided to take Daliya and go meet a couple of friends out at the beach.  I was already out driving when I decided to go, so I went without even checking that I had sunscreen in my purse (bad idea - I didn't have any and Daliya and I both ended up pretty burnt, and I can tell you first hand how sad it makes a mama to have a toasty red little girl who can't even get comfortable to sleep!)

We ended up going to the wrong beach somehow and after driving around and around finally figured it all out, and an hour and 15 minutes later I spotted my friends' cars along the side of the road.  I made a quick U-turn, and then CRAP!!!  Just like that, my car sank right into the sand.  I was like, you've got to be kidding me!!!  I sat there for a minute having absolutely no clue what to do, when Daliya started getting all worked up and crying in the back because she was "all done" being in the car.  I stood up and realized I needed to pee so bad after driving for so long and was going to eventually have to go find a discreet spot to go pee out in the open (no bathrooms anywhere remotely near this part of the beach).

So I put my hazard lights on, grabbed Daliya, locked the car and went to find my friends.  As I crossed the road, SPLAT!!! More CRAP!!!  WHAT!!??!!  Seriosuly???!!!  Yeah, that's what went through my head as this crazy bird kept circling around my head!!  Then, well isn't it good luck to get pooped on (by a bird!), right?

Anyway, some amazing friends (and one stranger who parked a little way behind my stuck car!), helped me get cleaned up, watch Daliya, and even get my car out of the sand!  I'm so lucky that even though I might have felt completely dumbfounded and like I was in a silly movie or something, I never had to feel alone for a minute.

Thank you to my wonderful friends Ashley, Elisabeth, Sacha, and Jen!!!  You rocked my world today each in your own way - or rather, balanced it back out to even better than normal! 

On another note, in case you're wondering, I'm not ready to share the exciting news that really made my day today, but I'll just say this:  I will be seeing my LA peeps a lot sooner than I expected, and Daliya and I are going to be doing a lot of traveling - just the 2 of us (so wish me more luck!) -  in the months to come. 

Only downside is we will miss Jordan so so soooo much whenever we are away from P'cola! ;-(

I'm just gonna say it.  When it comes to working out I'm just plain lazy.  There's always some excuse... I ate recently and I'm still too full, I'm afraid my knee might end up hurting and I just can't deal with that today with all the things I need to get done, my toe still hurts from the other day when my daughter dropped a can on it, I'm gonna get all sweaty and I don't know if I'll have time to shower until after Daliya goes to bed tonight... I could go on and on, but who really wants to hear all my excuses?

Well I came up with a solution just now... out of necessity really - or at least that's what I'm going to call it! (I came down and tried to put the TV on to watch during my workout, but the language menu is over the entire picture and I can't seem to figure out how to get it off!)  I can't just be in my head for an entire 45 minutes without anything to watch or listen to now can I? ;)

Yesterday it would have just been another excuse to skip the workout.  Today it forced me to come up with something else to do while I'm on my elyptical.  I'm blogging!

Yup!  That's what I said, and here's how I decided to do it: I just opened up a blank email on my phone, put my own email address in the send to box and "workout" in the subject line.  Then I just started typing my post as an email that I will copy and paste later on... sometime after I get that much needed shower in!

So if you're thinking about how you might apply this in your own life to get motivated and get on that workout machine you have sitting there collecting dust, I'll get you started:

• Respond to that email you've been putting off cuz you think it'll take longer than 3 minutes to write and send

• Blog if you blog

• Jot down (in an email on your phone of course) some of the new, cute, or silly things your little one did in the last few days (or weeks) since you last worked out or worked on your scrapbook - wouldn't it be a hoot if these could end up overlapping?  Well it could happen if you make it happen!  And you'll probably even look back and thank me for the idea years from now.  You're welcome in advance! ;)

Ok, so just typing thus far has taken me over 20 minutes - the absolute minimum I ever work out (if you don't count the zero minutes when I make excuses - ha!)

You might be thinking, "well that's a great idea and all, but why would I waste my time typing something up on my phone that I could OBVIOUSLY get out ten times as fast if I were typing on an actual computer?" 

Here's the thing, if I had gone and sat down at my computer to type a post or a list or whatever on there because it would have been easier and faster, I never would have ended up working out this morning.  Trust me, I can guarantee that.

The extra work, the slower pace, and the distraction were totally worth it.

If you're tempted to take my advice and try it, just do it!  I dare you mama!!!

It can be really hard for kids when they go from being the center of attention to the big brother or big sister.  It is even harder when mommy needs to sit quietly with the baby for what feels like (and often is!) hours and hours throughout the day to nurse. 

This is often the hardest part of the day for a big brother or big sister, and moms are always searching for ways to help their toddler or older kids feel engaged and loved during these times.  Not to mention ways to combat resentment and desperate attention-getting tactics.

Here's something you can do:  put together a nursing basket for your toddler or older children to take out whenever you are nursing the baby.  Just gather a few special toys - maybe even a babydoll for them to "nurse" too - and put them together in a basket that only gets to be out and played with during nursing time. 

If you want, you can include some books and toys that you can join in with while you nurse, but make sure that anything you include that requires you to engage is something you are happy doing (and able to do one-handed!) while you nurse your baby at the same time.

So I have this leopard print nursing bra.  I love it and I hate it all at once.  I love putting on a bra in the morning that doesn't feel like its sole purpose is to be accessible for nursing - its super cute too!  It isn't the most comfortable bra I own, but that doesn't stop me from wearing it when I feel like it. 

The real problem is this feeling I get when I'm nursing in public - particularly in shul (synagogue).  I'm always sitting there wondering, can anyone see my bra?  What are people going to think of me if they can see it?!?!

I was thinking about this self conscious feeling as I put on this bra this morning and realized that people might be more likely to be uncomfortable with the actual skin that's showing since Daliya all of a sudden doesn't want my shirt touching her mouth while she nurses (that used to be my way of nursing "discreetly")!

What do you think?  Should I be more worried about the leopard print or the skin?  Post your vote in the comments below.

I went through a drive-through again with Daliya asleep in the back.  I tried to pick fairly "healthy" options... depending on how health saavy you are, you may or may not think I succeeded!

Well, first of all, let me tell you that it feels nearly impossible to eat out (or drive through!) on a budget AND make reasonably healthy choices. 

The truth is, part of me enjoyed my lunch and the other part of me thought it was pretty gross... the "cheese" in my grilled cheese sandwich had a chemically aftertaste and the juice was so sweet I almost didn't finish the little box.  Funny, but I felt like the healthiest part of my meal was the french fries!  Ironic.

So I've finished my meal and I'm sitting here looking at this juice box that says "100% JUICE" in big bold bright green letters, but then the small print under it says "from concentrate with added ingredients."

Please tell me how something with added ingredients = 100% JUICE.  Maybe I need to go look up the definition of juice?

Moral of the story: get on top of reading labels, and don't bother eating the stuff that you wouldn't really want your baby to eat, let alone make a habit of putting in her body her whole life.


P.S. I wrote this while Daliya continued to sleep in the back and I emailed it to myself to post later.  When I searched my email for "juice box" (yes, I get that many emails in a day that I have to search my inbox for things from the same day), I stumbled across an email from back in January from change.org that I thought I should share with you. 

Here are a few excerpts:

"Consumer Reports found that at least 10% of apple and grape juices sampled had more arsenic than what the government says is safe for drinking water -- and even more had unsafe levels of lead."

and

"The dangerous effects of unsafe levels of inorganic arsenic and lead in children are shocking:

• Inorganic arsenic is linked to cancers, heart disease, type-2 diabetes, and immune system problems
• Children exposed to drinking water with unsafe arsenic levels had decreased intellectual function
• Low-level arsenic exposure is "significantly related to poorer scores in language, visuospatial skills, processing speed, and immediate memory," among other problems
• Unsafe levels of lead were found in 25% of juices sampled, and lead exposure is linked to brain development and behavioral problems"

If you're reading this and feeling worked up about it, or like you can relate, or even if you have a tip to share about making healthy choices when you are out and about, please do post a comment below.  Getting comments makes blogging oh so much more fun! :)

The breakfast in bed, the gifts, the calculated expressions of love and appreciation?  We all know that the appreciation is really #1 on this list.  If we could feel nurtured and appreciated every single day - or even every other day - it would make the daily grind so much more appealing.

As moms we work hard.  We work hard because we love our kids, we love our families.  We want to give our children all the affection, attention, healthy food, reasonably clean and comfortable environment, and so many other things that we believe they deserve as they grow up.  But sometimes we go days and days without thinking about what we need for ourselves, or what we need to feel nurtured on a day to day basis. 

There are so many simple things: a shower at least every other day, a nap once in a while to feel completely rejuvenated, time to sit down and eat a *warm* meal from start to finish at least once a day (or even once a week might be nice)!  If you're a mom, you know what I'm talking about.

I want to challenge you to do 2 things right now.  You can do these on a piece of paper, on your computer, or even on your phone if you're more motivated to just click to compose an email and send this to yourself.  I want you to make 2 lists. One of the lists can start with some of the things I listed above, but I want you to have at least 10 things that you can do for yourself or ask of your partner on a weekly basis so that you feel more nurtured and appreciated, on a regular basis - rather than just one guaranteed day a year.  Your second list is going to be at least 10 things that you LOVE about being a mother.  Each of the things on this list should be things that energize you and make you feel emotionally connected with your children when you think of them.  I'll share my lists with you below and if you feel so inclined, feel free to copy and paste your lists into a comment box below to share with the Nurtured Mommy community.

Let these lists be a tool and a gift to yourself for this year, that you can stick on your fridge and refer back to whenever you're feeling exhausted, out of patience, or just generally bogged down with so many things on your plate.

Happy Mother's Day to all you Nurtured Mommies!


To Feel Nurtured:
1. regular, *leisurely* showers
2. a nap at least once a week (or once a day if your baby is under 3 or 4 months old!)
3. a warm plate of food, from start to finish
4. a bubble bath would be even better - maybe add some epsom salts and essential oils, and dim the lights
5. time to sit outside and look through whatever magazine floats my boat (mine would be Midwifery Today)
6. time to cut and file my fingernails and even paint them (what a concept!)
7. go out to dinner with another mom once a month, without the kids or hubbies
8. wear my hair down and let myself feel well put together at least a couple times a week
9. take 10 minutes each morning to breathe, be calm, reflect and consider the potential of the day that lies ahead
10. take the extra 2 minutes in the morning to choose a pair of earrings, a scarf, or some other unnecessary accessory that makes me feel like I'm expressing myself as a woman and not just a mom as I go about my day

What I LOVE About Being a Mom:
1. the cuddles
2. that I have the opportunity to nurture and nourish my babies any way I see fit
3. understanding my daughter better than anyone else does
4. the thrill of watching her be creative and silly
5. that smile!
6. when she grabs a book or 2 and comes and plops down on my lap, like its her spot and nobody else's
7. that she'll come blow rasberries/zerberts/whatever you call them on my tummy when she wants to make me laugh (or get my full attention)
8. how she communicates with me when she needs something, or even when she just wants to listen to some music or dance! (I love how she pretends to snap and dance till I put the music on)
9. that sweet face when she is sound asleep
10. to see her learning to respect people and show love and kindness, including when she kisses prayer books (just makes me melt and feel proud all at once!)

So I said I might share with you the mistake I made on my daughter's birthday.  I'm going to write this post as a stream of consciousness and not go back to edit anything because I think that's the only way I'm going to get this one down "on paper."

My pregnancy went nothing like I imagined it would.  I thought I knew so much and was so prepared having been a doula and a student midwife for a number of years already.  Well, nothing makes you do your research and internalize what complications mean and all the possible solutions - both holistic and medical - like going through it yourself.  I'm not going to get into all those details right now, but I feel like putting that out there because I'm going to open up and tell you and the rest of the world that I had a cesarean birth.  I originally didn't want to have a c-section.  My identity was so totally wrapped up in natural birth and out-of-hospital birth, to be quite honest, that I just had such a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of having to have my baby in a hospital.  And having a c-section... well that was obviously something I had to come to terms with and I honestly thank God that I had about 10 weeks to get used to the idea of not having the birth I wanted.

The day Daliya ended up being born, I woke up in the morning and checked my email.  The first thing I opened was lab results from Kaiser from my 2nd (or maybe it was my 3rd...) 24 hour urine test to watch for protein in my urine.  The amount of protein had gone way up and I was surprised that no one called me right away to have me come in for other lab work.  It was Christmas, so I guess no one was checking that day - or maybe it was just overlooked because of having less staff on duty.  I called L & D and alerted them to the results that had been automatically sent to me.  I was told to come in right away, so I did, and they ran a bunch of other tests.  The labs showed that my liver and kidney function were changing, and obviously not for the better.

I wasn't going to go into so many details, but now that I'm writing I feel like it feels right.  Daliya was still in a breech position so the doctor wanted to automatically do a c-section.  I told her that I wanted her to check me because if I were dilated more than a couple centimeters I wanted them to try an external cephalic version to try to turn her head down so that they could just put me on Pit and I'd still be able to have a vaginal birth.  The doctor was so sure that I wouldn't be dilated, even though I told her that I had been in early labor a few nights before and made it stop (I think she might have thought I was a little crazy, but she doesn't know me and know what I know about the physiology of labor).  So she humored me and seemed shocked to find that I was 3cm dilated.  She got me set up for the version.  They gave me a drug to relax my uterus and Daliya's heart rate shot up and stayed up until she was born.  It was seriously nerve-wracking.

They tried to turn her 4 times.  It didn't work.  At the time I didn't know as much as I do now about versions and one of the key factors in it being successful is having a really really full bladder to lift the baby as far out of the pelvis as possible.  Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if I had know that.  But I didn't know.  And it didn't work.  I felt ok with having a cesarean at this point, especially knowing that this particular hospital didn't have any doctors on staff who were comfortable or experienced with breech birth.  Even if I was comfortable birthing a breech baby, I wasn't comfortable having a doctor who was uncomfortable with it as my safety net.  I was more comfortable having a cesarean.

I think I just mixed up the order of things here a little, but hopefully you're still following.  After the doctor on call checked me but before the version (I think I have the order right, but my husband might correct me if it is less of a blur to him) she came into the room with my birth plan, pulled a chair up to sit right next to me, and proceeded to go through every single point on my birth plan with me.  It was incredible and I felt so respected.  I am literally tearing up right now thinking about it.  On a side-note, I always say that the care provider who ends up being at your birth is probably the one who is meant to be there, and for many reasons I do believe this was true for my birth as well - I might get more into that later, but let me get back on track for now.

We talked about my birth plan and what could and what wouldn't happen.  And she was straightforward in telling me that after I had my baby, we would be separated for a minimum of 12 hours, but more than likely 24 hours or more, because they were going to put me on Magnesium Sulfate.  I just about lost it (inside) at this point and as soon as she left the room I said to Jordan, "Should we leave and go to UCLA?  I feel like it would be different there."  We talked about it and the fact that my insurance wouldn't cover any treatment there, and I said I still would feel more comfortable there regardless of what was going to happen.  I don't remember which one of us suggested calling a friend for advice, but I called a friend of mine and asked her if it would be different there.  I remember her response sounding so quick and confident, and she told me the hospital policies would be the same there.  I for some reason let her response decide for me that I'd stay where I was.  That is the mistake that I feel like I am still healing from.  I later found out that the hospital I was at was one of the only (if not THE only) hospital in the area that had that policy.  If I had gone to UCLA chances are I would have gotten to spend that first couple of days with my baby.  It still hurts so much to think about her being whisked away and being told it was all because of hospital policy, and later that they could have bent their policy but they were short on staff because it was Christmas weekend.  They didn't even let me hold her before they took her away.  It didn't have to be that way.  IT DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.  Ugh, it still makes me so mad and sad.

I try to tell myself that there were reasons that I decided to stay at Kaiser... that my instincts must have actually been telling me to stay even though for a long time I blamed myself for not trusting the instinct to go somewhere else for my birth.  I have to remind myself how supportive of VBAC's the doctor I ended up with is and how she kept telling me, literally multiple times, with excitement how the incision she did and the fact that I was already dilated meant I would probably have a successful VBAC with my next baby.  I honestly wanted to scream each time she said this because I wasn't in the mind space to think about my NEXT baby!  I was just trying to deal with everything that came along with THIS baby's birth!

I have to say though, that looking back, I remember so clearly that when we sat down to and looked at my birth plan together I said to her repeatedly, if I could pick just one thing from my birth plan, INCLUDING if I were having a cesarean, that I would ask her to let the cord pulsate and delay clamping for as long as possible, preferallby until it was done pulsating in its own time.  Well, guess what, during my c-section, she let the cord pulsate and stop on its own once Daliya was out!!!  This is still so exciting to me that I'm getting all teary again.  This was so so so important to me, and most doctors would not have waited, ESPECIALLY during a cesarean birth.  But she waited.  She waited, she told me when it stopped and when she was going to cut it, and she even showed my husband that it was white before she clamped and cut it!  Jordan took the most amazing picture of Daliya still attached to the cord and the placenta, the placenta still inside me.  It is seriously incredible.  Maybe I will post it above.  Can I get away with posting a picture that includes my abdomen completely open in surgery?  I think I can. :)

Anyway, I guess you can see that even though I still think about the decision to stay where I was as a mistake I'm really moving towards coming to terms with it and working on believing that I was meant to be where I was and that in the long run the birth I had and the things that happened during the process are what needed to happen to give Daliya the best and most healthy entrance into the world. 

There is some more to the story, but I think I'm emotionally spent at the moment, so I'm gonna leave it at that.  Maybe I should have titled this post my birth story - or maybe I'll do that at a later date when I feel up to going back and filling in all the details including more details about the birth itself.

If you're reading this, please leave me a comment.  This is probably the most intimate thing I could have posted on the internet today and I would so love to feel like the people reading it are becoming a community, my community.

Thank you. <3

I was tossing and turning last night because I made a mistake yesterday.  Luckily this particular mistake only cost me about $40 and I know that in the grand scheme of things that's really not a big deal, but it still felt unsettling.  I ended up spending some time reflecting on mistakes I've made in the past - some big, some small, some that have completely changed my life for the better, and others that have started a ripple effect that is still in the process of unfolding, that may or may not ultimately result in something I'm happy about.  Maybe this all sounds a little vague, but my point is that we all make mistakes sometimes and there's no going back.  If you're a perfectionist like I am you probably dwell just a little too much on the fact that you didn't quite think things out, didn't do the research you "should have" done, or you just went with the decision that felt right but didn't turn out the way you imagined it would. 

The thing is, you can't forget that as long as you make a point to trust your instincts in the moment, nothing else matters.  Fine if it doesn't turn out the way you pictured, or doesn't even turn out in a way you feel is positive.  You made the best decision you possibly could have made in the moment and the truth is that it may have turned out better than whatever the potential alternative was. 

And guess what.  If you're a mom, well if you're a human being, but especially if you're a mom, you're gonna be making plenty of mistakes along the way as you teach and care for and love your children.  They may even remember a few of your mistakes.  But in the end it isn't the mistakes that are important.  How you you make your kids feel on a day to day basis is what's important.  It's also what shapes human beings.

I'm debating sharing a mistake I made the day Daliya, my daughter, was born.  It is hard to share really personal details, especially when I still feel like I'm healing emotionally from that particular mistake.  If you're reading this and you want to hear about it, post a comment of love or support and maybe I'll let myself be really really vulnerable in my next post, and let you in on an intimacy of my path to becoming a mom, just like I hope you'll let me in on yours.