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I'm still healing from this one.

5/3/2012

39 Comments

 
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So I said I might share with you the mistake I made on my daughter's birthday.  I'm going to write this post as a stream of consciousness and not go back to edit anything because I think that's the only way I'm going to get this one down "on paper."

My pregnancy went nothing like I imagined it would.  I thought I knew so much and was so prepared having been a doula and a student midwife for a number of years already.  Well, nothing makes you do your research and internalize what complications mean and all the possible solutions - both holistic and medical - like going through it yourself.  I'm not going to get into all those details right now, but I feel like putting that out there because I'm going to open up and tell you and the rest of the world that I had a cesarean birth.  I originally didn't want to have a c-section.  My identity was so totally wrapped up in natural birth and out-of-hospital birth, to be quite honest, that I just had such a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of having to have my baby in a hospital.  And having a c-section... well that was obviously something I had to come to terms with and I honestly thank God that I had about 10 weeks to get used to the idea of not having the birth I wanted.

The day Daliya ended up being born, I woke up in the morning and checked my email.  The first thing I opened was lab results from Kaiser from my 2nd (or maybe it was my 3rd...) 24 hour urine test to watch for protein in my urine.  The amount of protein had gone way up and I was surprised that no one called me right away to have me come in for other lab work.  It was Christmas, so I guess no one was checking that day - or maybe it was just overlooked because of having less staff on duty.  I called L & D and alerted them to the results that had been automatically sent to me.  I was told to come in right away, so I did, and they ran a bunch of other tests.  The labs showed that my liver and kidney function were changing, and obviously not for the better.

I wasn't going to go into so many details, but now that I'm writing I feel like it feels right.  Daliya was still in a breech position so the doctor wanted to automatically do a c-section.  I told her that I wanted her to check me because if I were dilated more than a couple centimeters I wanted them to try an external cephalic version to try to turn her head down so that they could just put me on Pit and I'd still be able to have a vaginal birth.  The doctor was so sure that I wouldn't be dilated, even though I told her that I had been in early labor a few nights before and made it stop (I think she might have thought I was a little crazy, but she doesn't know me and know what I know about the physiology of labor).  So she humored me and seemed shocked to find that I was 3cm dilated.  She got me set up for the version.  They gave me a drug to relax my uterus and Daliya's heart rate shot up and stayed up until she was born.  It was seriously nerve-wracking.

They tried to turn her 4 times.  It didn't work.  At the time I didn't know as much as I do now about versions and one of the key factors in it being successful is having a really really full bladder to lift the baby as far out of the pelvis as possible.  Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if I had know that.  But I didn't know.  And it didn't work.  I felt ok with having a cesarean at this point, especially knowing that this particular hospital didn't have any doctors on staff who were comfortable or experienced with breech birth.  Even if I was comfortable birthing a breech baby, I wasn't comfortable having a doctor who was uncomfortable with it as my safety net.  I was more comfortable having a cesarean.

I think I just mixed up the order of things here a little, but hopefully you're still following.  After the doctor on call checked me but before the version (I think I have the order right, but my husband might correct me if it is less of a blur to him) she came into the room with my birth plan, pulled a chair up to sit right next to me, and proceeded to go through every single point on my birth plan with me.  It was incredible and I felt so respected.  I am literally tearing up right now thinking about it.  On a side-note, I always say that the care provider who ends up being at your birth is probably the one who is meant to be there, and for many reasons I do believe this was true for my birth as well - I might get more into that later, but let me get back on track for now.

We talked about my birth plan and what could and what wouldn't happen.  And she was straightforward in telling me that after I had my baby, we would be separated for a minimum of 12 hours, but more than likely 24 hours or more, because they were going to put me on Magnesium Sulfate.  I just about lost it (inside) at this point and as soon as she left the room I said to Jordan, "Should we leave and go to UCLA?  I feel like it would be different there."  We talked about it and the fact that my insurance wouldn't cover any treatment there, and I said I still would feel more comfortable there regardless of what was going to happen.  I don't remember which one of us suggested calling a friend for advice, but I called a friend of mine and asked her if it would be different there.  I remember her response sounding so quick and confident, and she told me the hospital policies would be the same there.  I for some reason let her response decide for me that I'd stay where I was.  That is the mistake that I feel like I am still healing from.  I later found out that the hospital I was at was one of the only (if not THE only) hospital in the area that had that policy.  If I had gone to UCLA chances are I would have gotten to spend that first couple of days with my baby.  It still hurts so much to think about her being whisked away and being told it was all because of hospital policy, and later that they could have bent their policy but they were short on staff because it was Christmas weekend.  They didn't even let me hold her before they took her away.  It didn't have to be that way.  IT DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.  Ugh, it still makes me so mad and sad.

I try to tell myself that there were reasons that I decided to stay at Kaiser... that my instincts must have actually been telling me to stay even though for a long time I blamed myself for not trusting the instinct to go somewhere else for my birth.  I have to remind myself how supportive of VBAC's the doctor I ended up with is and how she kept telling me, literally multiple times, with excitement how the incision she did and the fact that I was already dilated meant I would probably have a successful VBAC with my next baby.  I honestly wanted to scream each time she said this because I wasn't in the mind space to think about my NEXT baby!  I was just trying to deal with everything that came along with THIS baby's birth!

I have to say though, that looking back, I remember so clearly that when we sat down to and looked at my birth plan together I said to her repeatedly, if I could pick just one thing from my birth plan, INCLUDING if I were having a cesarean, that I would ask her to let the cord pulsate and delay clamping for as long as possible, preferallby until it was done pulsating in its own time.  Well, guess what, during my c-section, she let the cord pulsate and stop on its own once Daliya was out!!!  This is still so exciting to me that I'm getting all teary again.  This was so so so important to me, and most doctors would not have waited, ESPECIALLY during a cesarean birth.  But she waited.  She waited, she told me when it stopped and when she was going to cut it, and she even showed my husband that it was white before she clamped and cut it!  Jordan took the most amazing picture of Daliya still attached to the cord and the placenta, the placenta still inside me.  It is seriously incredible.  Maybe I will post it above.  Can I get away with posting a picture that includes my abdomen completely open in surgery?  I think I can. :)

Anyway, I guess you can see that even though I still think about the decision to stay where I was as a mistake I'm really moving towards coming to terms with it and working on believing that I was meant to be where I was and that in the long run the birth I had and the things that happened during the process are what needed to happen to give Daliya the best and most healthy entrance into the world. 

There is some more to the story, but I think I'm emotionally spent at the moment, so I'm gonna leave it at that.  Maybe I should have titled this post my birth story - or maybe I'll do that at a later date when I feel up to going back and filling in all the details including more details about the birth itself.

If you're reading this, please leave me a comment.  This is probably the most intimate thing I could have posted on the internet today and I would so love to feel like the people reading it are becoming a community, my community.

Thank you. <3
39 Comments
Stephanie Roth
5/3/2012 01:14:08 pm

Don't beat yourself up Becky, nothing ever seems to go exactly how it's planned, in birth or life right? Dalylia got here in her time and she's perfectly healthy baby now, I still think you're the most amazing birth partner I've ever had

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Becky link
5/5/2012 11:14:17 am

So true Steph. And don't get me wrong, I thank God every single day that I have a healthy and happy little girl and I pray that she will stay that way for as long as possible!

I'm so glad I got to be one of your birth partners. :) You know that your first birth forever changed my life, and it was such an honor to be there for your second little miracle too. Go give those girls hugs from me!!

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Rachel
5/3/2012 01:15:38 pm

i feel so honored to have gotten to read this. and I think your title is perfect. what a sweet delight daliya is and what a strong, lovely woman you are.

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Becky link
5/5/2012 11:15:30 am

Thank you so much Rachel. <3

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Vanessa
5/3/2012 01:21:14 pm

I've been waiting for this post...I still remember having a conversation about processing it. Julian was born at UCLA and it wasn't what I was promised. I don't share that to compare but that each c-section probably comes with some disappointment at some point in the process. You're really incredibly resilient. Love you!

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Becky link
5/5/2012 11:20:28 am

Thanks for reminding me that nowhere is perfect. That really helps actually. And you're right, if it hadn't been that disappointment it might have been something else.

I wish Julian's birth had been what you were promised... I wish I could have helped in some way.

Love you too!

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Casandra
5/3/2012 01:22:56 pm

Wow Becky we have spoken a little bit o about this experience together and I want you to know that you are an incredibly strong woman for being able to post this for anyone to read. Beautifully written I wish the process could have been as beautiful too.

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Becky link
5/5/2012 11:21:41 am

Thank you so much Casandra. That means a lot to me!

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Dani
5/3/2012 01:24:19 pm

You're probably the strongest woman I know and I am so honored that you've shared your story us. It's okay to still feel repentant, but knowing that Daliya is SO healthy and that her life from the time from when she was born to now has been filled with nothing but happiness and love is where you should focus your feelings. I, for one, am thankful that this happened at that place, at that time because what if something bad were to happen on the way to UCLA or even worse WHILE you were at UCLA. Life is funny that way...and oh so good too. You are gonna make it. You always have, and always will! Thanks for being so strong, the world needs more women like you! xoxo

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Becky link
5/5/2012 11:24:22 am

Thank you Dani. You're so right. How could I ever know what would have happened if I had gone? I have to just believe that I was where I needed to be and thank God that Daliya and I are here and thriving. :)

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Jenny R.
5/3/2012 01:31:20 pm

You are one strong mamma! Thank you for sharin

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Becky link
5/5/2012 11:25:26 am

Thank you, and thank you for reading and engaging with me. :)

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Nivedita
5/3/2012 01:54:23 pm

Oh, Becky! How heart wrenching! If you and I were still in LA, I'd come over to hug and cry and chat right this minute. It doesn't go away does it - that search for "what could I or someone else have done differently"? The frequency and intensity diminishes but it's always right there. It must be so so any times harder for you given your profession. I cannot begin to imagine not being able to hold your precious baby soon after and all because of some policy. What is the purported reason for it?
I am so happy to hear that your doctor delayed clamping as per your wishes. That was in my birth plan, which kind of went out the window once c-section decision was made. I also wanted baby on me once he was brought out and for any suctioning etc to happen while he was on me, but that didn't happen either. I chide myself for not staying on top of it once the c-section decision was made.
Yeah. I was told my vba2c options the day after as well. If it hadn't been from someone who had given me excellent care until then, I'd have blown a gasket too. She obviously meant well, was in tears herself from hearing my pain. But I agree that it is not something that should be said to a woman who just had a c-section.
I know what you mean about feeling respected. That was exactly what I told one of the midwives after an especially wonderful prenatal visit. She was asking about my opinion on what I would like to do if I went past due this time as well. This contrasted so sharply with Dr. You Know Who last time. I am so glad that your doctor left you feeling respected.
Becky, I will always be in your community. I still clearly remember your gentle and encouraging voice and touch from Akhil's birth. You also took the time to come visit Akhil a few months after his birth. I wish I could've helped in any way during your Labor and delivery. I love you and know that you must be a very awesome mama to your sweet Daliya. I hope to see you again some day, but until then I'll hold you safe in my thoughts. Tight hugs.
Nivedita

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Becky link
5/5/2012 11:32:06 am

Thank you so much Nivedita! Your words really mean a lot to me. I have no doubt that if we were still living in the same area we would be such good friends.

You and I both need to just keep letting the healing continue. It won't change the past, but I hope that we'll be able to find more and more empowering moments in our stories as time goes on.

Love to you and your sweet boys.

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Andi
5/3/2012 01:59:14 pm

It's good you wrote about this, Becky. You have a lot to share.

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Becky link
5/5/2012 11:33:05 am

Thanks Andi, and thanks for letting me know you're reading. :)

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Shauna
5/3/2012 02:02:41 pm

I get that Becky! There are things about Clarisse's birth that I still struggle with. Especially since I feel like they did effect her long-term. I just remember that every experience shapes us....and in a positive way if we let it. Bad becomes good. Look at how Clarisse's birth brought me to you and Lori :) That is an awesome picture too!

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Becky link
5/5/2012 11:40:14 am

Oh Shauna, it makes me so sad to hear that something at a child's birth has affected her long-term. I'm so sorry.

You are such an ongoing inspiration to me in your positive thinking. I'm so glad that her birth brought you to us, too! I so wish I could have been at Reagan's birth, but I feel so lucky to know you and your girls. I don't think I will ever forget the first time I met and held Reagan. There's something just incredible about that little girl of yours!

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Melanie
5/3/2012 02:20:15 pm

Hi Becky <3
Thanks for sharing the intimacy of your journey with us. What a tricky process birth is! Knowing so much before birthing is strange. Often times we feel like we must be prepared because our mind and ego tell us we are. We've already walked the journey with so many other mamas that we're pretty sure we know the steps and we'll be able to plan our own path with some certainty. Do you know almost every really good midwife or birth person I know has had a c-section? And often it was after they were already initiated into the birth world.

The journey of giving birth doesn't lend itself to plans or predictions. That is such a hard thing! What kind of 'hero's journey' would it be if the hero knew the bumps in his path beforehand? Not very epic. Birthing asks us to hand over whatever is hardest for us to let go of. For some moms that is modesty and they poop! For others its fear and they need to learn to trust and let go. You had to sacrifice that really special early bonding time with your daughter. It was time you'd helped other mom's preserve and honor and something you were looking forward to your whole pregnancy! Kissing her tiny wet self, getting to know your soul baby. That is a really deep hurt for both of you and something that demands a real grief. It will take time and work to find closure with it.

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Becky link
5/5/2012 11:47:41 am

Wow Melanie, you understand me and the entire scenario so so well... I got very emotional reading your comment. Reminds me of the day we met. :) You have a way of making me feel like you totally get EXACTLY what I've gone through and can make me feel better too. You're amazing.

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Vanessa
5/7/2012 11:11:38 pm

This reflection helped me so much! Thank you for your comment, it's very healing.

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Danielle Centeno link
5/3/2012 02:20:55 pm

Sending you love! Thank you for sharing. Keep talking and let yourself heal. You have an important story to tell. You are a great mama and you will touch many lives.

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Becky link
5/5/2012 11:50:01 am

Thank you so much Danielle. I'm doing my best. :)

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Kat Howell
5/3/2012 03:42:05 pm

You are strong mama. Much respect. Thank you for sharing with us. xo

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Becky link
5/5/2012 11:51:42 am

Thanks Kat. xo

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Abby
5/3/2012 04:00:58 pm

Honored that you shared your heart with me. You are strong and beautiful!

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Becky link
5/5/2012 11:52:52 am

Thanks Abby. And thanks for reading. :)

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Sharon Hamilton
5/3/2012 11:43:49 pm

Becky, thanks so much for sharing your story. I feel very blessed to read it and to get to know you. You are truly inspirational and such a wonderful Mother.

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Becky link
5/5/2012 11:55:18 am

Thanks so much Sharon. I feel equally blessed to know you, and blessed to be able to learn from your wisdom so often too!

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Alli &lt;3
5/4/2012 12:49:24 am

My Becky, Life never really goes the way that we want it to, yet somehow it always works out and we are better for it. I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. You learned from your birth experience, and now you get to share with others, help them make good choices for their babies! Daliya is such a blessing. She is beautiful, happy, healthy and amazing! And so are you. Love you <3

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Becky link
5/5/2012 11:57:01 am

So many words of truth. Love you too Alli.

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Kathy
5/4/2012 08:34:59 am

Pucha Becky! Es una historia triste pero no por eso debe empañar el hermoso momento en que te convertiste en madre. Por suerte, mas alla de los problemas y las decisiones que tomaste, tienes una hija hermosa, sana y feliz, no dejes de dar gracias por eso!

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Becky link
5/5/2012 12:06:37 pm

Muchiiisimas gracias recordarme que me converti en madre en esos momentos. Doy gracias cada dia por mi Daliya sana y feliz, pero igual hay cosas que me siento que tengo que re-evaluar... Es como un cicatriz... en sentidos figurativo y tb fisico.

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christina
5/8/2012 01:36:10 am

Thanks for sharing your story! As mothers we all have different birthing experiences and it is hard to share these moments with strangers. Nothing goes as planned and sometimes we just have to accept things the way they are. Welcome to the world Baby Daliya!

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Becky link
5/8/2012 11:19:57 am

Thanks Christina, and thanks for letting me know you're reading! :)

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Zivile
6/22/2012 10:18:42 am

Dear Becky, I came across your website now as I am thinking about my next birth (boy number 3....not sure how God thinks I can handle this :)) try not to be too hard on yourself about your birth experince, even though I totally understand how you can replay everything in your mind over and over again. You made the best choices that you could with the information that you had at the time and, as you told me, you followed your instincts and got a beautiful, healthy baby out of it. And give yourself time to heal....it took me until the birth of Kestutis to realize that things didn't work out the way I wanted exactly but that I am still blessed and have a lot to be thankful for. Hope you are doing well!

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Becky link
6/24/2012 04:33:42 pm

Oh Zivile, I am so excited to hear from you and that you are pregnant again!!! I think of you whenever I reflect on the power of a mama's instincts. What an inspiration you are!

It took me a year and a half, but I finally feel like I did heal and learn from my birth too. And yes, so many blessings - we just have to allow ourselves to see them as such.

Sending love to you and your family, and praying you'll be blessed with a healthy and happy birth and a happy and healthy baby boy!

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Becky G
4/29/2015 02:42:59 am

Hi Becky, I came across your page because I too am healing from my sons birth. It has been about 3 years and I still can't come to terms with the fact that I had a C-section. I was hoping for a natural birth my entire pregnancy and at my last appointment I was told my son would be 10lbs 4 oz. My doctor recommended a C-section because he thought my son might be too big to push out and he didn't want to risk him getting stuck and having to break a shoulder to be able to pull him out. We went over all options and he even mentioned something about nerve damage if he broke his shoulder (by this time I was so emotional and dazed that I couldn't hear half the things he was saying). I called my mom, my sister and my partner they all agreed that a C-section was the best option. I even thought I was being selfish for wanting to go through with a vaginal birth.
The C-section was scheduled for the next day, my son was born and he was brought into the room an hour after the birth. Then I was told he was only 6lbs 15oz!!! I couldn't believe it! I blame myself for not trying and I replay it my mind over and over. When people ask why I had a C-section I tell them the reason and most of the time they say "people have 10lb babies all the time." It hurts! Although my birth plan didn't go as planned I am so happy and blessed to have my super tiny baby that has grown into this massive toddler.
Thank you for posting this very personal story about your life. This has helped my healing process.

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Becky link
5/1/2015 06:57:27 pm

Hi Becky,

I'm so glad you shared your story with me and that my sharing could play a small part in helping your healing process too! It really is a process and sometimes I feel like there are ups and downs that will probably continue for the rest of my life. For me, I feel like sharing and educating people helps my healing and also knowing that every birth is different. I don't know you or if you are planning on ever having another baby. For me, I knew I wanted to and I knew that I wanted it to be different the next time. Having a different experience the second time didn't change how I experienced my first daughter's birth, but I can tell you that it did somehow make me feel more at peace - possibly because even though I had a vaginal birth and things were different the second time around, it was by no means the perfect labor and birth that I had been picturing.

Birth is so unpredictable and emotional and messy and beautiful, all rolled into one. The beautiful parts of my cesarean birth were the above picture of my baby in her first moment of life and the memory of kissing her cheek as she was whisked away. Are there any beautiful parts of your birth that you remember? Every time you reflect on those parts maybe you'll feel just a little bit more healing happening.

In this moment I feel like it is a blessing that we can reflect on our births and be realistic and honest with ourselves about the hurt, the sadness, the disappointment, and even the loss of control that we felt and feel. Having our amazing little people that were created and grown and nurtured and nourished inside our bodies is a wonderful thing, but we are still allowed to have our own feelings about what happened and to grieve, feel angry, feel manipulated or feel really whatever other intense emotions and realizations come and go through us. The positive and negative aspects each have their place in this and they don't cancel each other out.

I hope you continue to allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions surrounding your birth story, as you need to, as time goes on and you continue to heal. <3

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Becky Gerson, CD(DONA), HBCE:  HypnoBirthing Childbirth Educator. Doula. Aspiring midwife. Breastfeeding advocate. Holistic mama.